Letting Go of Obesity and Regaining a Life

Tuesday was a landmark day. I moved out of the 200s and my BMI was 30.08…just .08 above the point where I’m no longer obese. There was no group of fellow Biggest Loser biggies to clap and cheer wildly and to say “Way to go!” There was just me and the scale. I squinted and thought perhaps I was still asleep and wasn’t seeing the numbers correctly, but there it was…197.8. WOW. For almost two decades I’ve wondered if that day would ever come and if I’d ever see the 100′s again, but kept holding faith that it would happen. And it has. WOW.

Like most of The Biggest Loser contestants, I wasn’t always obese. In fact, I’ve spent most of my life as a really trim person. I’m 5’8″ and in college was a slim 128. After having children, I settled into a more womanly figure of 145 and stayed there for years. But, as on The Biggest Loser, there is always a story…a reason the weight goes on. Life happens. We struggle to cope and don’t know how. We cover over our feelings and eat and eat and eat (or some people take the opposite tack and don’t…I was never one of those people). The weight goes on and on and on. And all of a sudden I…having gone through years of hellish trauma…was 265 at my heaviest. WOW. I definitely would’ve qualified to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.

And yet when the season started again in September, my weight had fallen below that of any of the contestants for the first time ever. After many attempts at losing, regaining, losing, regaining, losing some, losing the will, losing the desire, and just having had enough of all the emphasis on weight loss or on weight period, I finally began to allow myself to follow a different path. I sold my car when I moved out to the San Francisco Bay area about a year ago. I began to be more comfortable mentally and physically with walking everywhere, longer distances, and walking more frequently. It became a way of life. Need groceries, to go to the post office, to see my daughter and grandson, to catch the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) to go downtown San Francisco, etc.? Start walking.

And then my daughter challenged me to walk a half marathon…13.1 miles. In 1982 when I was very fit and thin I ran a marathon (26.2 miles), but could I now walk half that distance as a 57-year-old obese person? I took the challenge and did it…not once but twice in races plus that distance and even a 16-mile walk on my own. Check out my blog post Obese. 57. Half Marathoner to read about my experience. I began to see myself as an athlete. I started going to yoga twice a week, working out with weights twice a week, and going to NIA dance class once a week in addition to all the walking I was doing. I changed my diet to eating mostly vegan. I haven’t been perfect about it and am certainly not losing at the rate of the contestants on The Biggest Loser, but the pounds still have been coming off.

I’ve lived my life in two different bodies…one a trim, beautiful (and young) body that I loved; the other an obese and unattractive body that I hated. Right now I’m in between those two bodies. I’m letting go of obesity and am not yet trim. What am I actually letting go of in letting go of obesity?

• Wearing fat-girl-ugly and constantly too-tight clothes no matter how many larger sizes I kept buying
• Having to use an extender for the airplane seatbelt and having other passengers stare at me with disdain…especially if they were sitting next to me
• Having a low self-worth and feeling guilt and shame that I let myself get so fat
• Having people stare right through me as if I wasn’t there and feeling their hatred toward me because I was obese
• Having low stamina to do a lot of things and getting winded easily
• Having heartburn almost every time I ate anything and having to get out of bed at night because I couldn’t sleep due to heartburn
• Having people stare at me in the grocery store if I put anything in my cart that they thought a fat person shouldn’t eat
• Secretive eating of things like a whole pizza or a bag of cookies or chips to drown my shame and guilt
• A barrier between me and others…especially men who might be interested
• Excuses for not participating in things in life like going swimming, athletic activities, or other activities where my obesity would be on display

I noticed when I reached 200 on the scale that I sabotaged that accomplishment and immediately put on five pounds. It’s like being in the 100s was too scary. But I am gradually releasing that fear and have decided to go forward in my quest to have that trim body back again. What am I really letting go of in letting go of obesity? A picture of myself as an obese person and being the jolly, fat person who is really crying inside.

Instead I’m gradually becoming an athlete and a person who allows herself to feel her emotions rather than stuff them with food. I’m opening my heart to life, to living, and to love. My weight loss has not been as rapid or dramatic enough to win The Biggest Loser contest on television, but in the contest of life, day by day, I’m regaining that fitter, slimmer body…and a life filled with joy.